Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Emtionally drop from archery
This is a very long entry about my feeling, sorry if it is too long winded. Thx and sorry guys!!
Haix, duno why recently my emtional is killing me ah... Had been like cryin during my two training days ah, so WEAK!!! Today was the worst, totally cannt control and my tears just keep flowing down my cheeks ah... ... I wanna control it as i do not want to be seem as weak, i do not want anione to c i cried maybe xcept friends closer to me. But my eyes are like a tap that is filled with too much water for too long, and the thing just break off and everything just start flow n flow. No matter how hard i tried to stop, how hard guan zhao tried to ask me to think positive, how hard heng wei tried to make me laugh, how bi ling support me as my team mate, how hard everyone else is cheering me up, it still dun work.
End up, lim saw that i was cryin, din wan him to c as din wan him to ask. But when he came and ask me wat happen, i break off to my limit and said out the reason. Haix, din wan for everyone to know as i din wan to make friendship between the girls to become bad. Lim told me he is the coach, he is the only one to choose who is in the team. He did not even scold me, no one should scold me and i should not cry as i am already tryin moi best.
I guess i jux gave myself too much pressure once again ah... At least in studies when i give myself more pressure than will i tend myself to study more, even when i break down i'm alone and i pick up easily wif the cheerful me ah. But for archery it just seem so different ah... It all started yesterday when moi form suddenly drop very badly ah, i was realli very disappointed wif moiself ah!! 115 pts eh!!!! wat is this? can go bang wall ah!!!
I was suppose to go work today but i was too emotionally and physically weak ah, so did not go for work as i was worry i will break off totally on sat competition. During nite trainin i was physically well already althought still have muscle ache and my blue black ah. I thought my emtionally was well too just like normally when i break down just after a nite of slp will be fine, bt i was wrong!! totally wrong!!! When i overhear hui zhen tellin rasmi tat she will not win team event and can only win on indvidual, alot of thoughts start to run thru my head. I did feel extra hurt as hz is like moi 'sugar daugter', so i did not xpect her to say that ah. Than when i heard hz saying to the 'aunties' about it again, my emtionally totally crash ah but i still did not tear as i thought i will be ablt to shoot well or at least my normal standard.
Haix, bt i failed myself, as i was over cautions of result, i aim too long, pluck and there goes my result. One end, Two end... ... till the six end i was ultimate totally disappointed in myself and tears start to roll down. The another reason was WE ARE A TEAM, NP2!! But what is happenin? where is the team work? nth ah, nth is there ah!!! I mean, ya, this competition is the first for bl and me but we are already training very hard ah!! We may not have the result you all have but as least we have the attidude. (sound abit like wat xia ren feng has said)
When i manage to dry my tears n stopped it, i began to shoot. Was still not shooting very good but i manage to like know where is my fault ah, i always pluck. I realise my follow thru is wrong, i shld jux relax my finger and hav a strong follow thru. Two days training more to correct my form, jia you ah girl!!! Thx gz and yew teck for the guidance. After that we had sudden death team event, i score a 7 in the first rd and we draw wif gz team. Second time, i pluck, a 3 and we lost by 1 pt to them, guess i really nd to wrk under stress for archey ah... haix
After training, girls team were called to stayed back as lim wanted to talk to us. I knew something was wrong, i knew he was goning to scold us as just nw yew teck came to ask me what did hz said. I felt very bad that i pulled the girls in as hz did not like pin point us ah, i was juz abit over sensitive ah, since jux nw she, rasmi and emy did come and talk to me.
Expected, lim came out and scolded the senior girls (what i still rem): saying that the senior girls result are very inconsitant and during the NTU shoot they did not win. The rule are changed from a team of 4 to a team of 3 that why someone will have to leave the team. You all want to win and think that wif bl n flo you all wun win bt are you all able to have a sure win in competition. bl n flo are the two new girls that keep coming for training and have good attidude. The guys team never give me this kind of problem, if this type of things still happen i can do not sent in any girls team. End up, he asked the seniors girls to chose who want to leave the team and NP2 is finalised with emy, bl n me.
I also remember yt saying something about in a team is all about teamwork, it is not so about wining. I mean it is hard not to be sad to win, bt end up when you know the rest of the team member is there for u, you will not be so disappointed for not wining. Jux like the band spirit i felt in my secondart life. Even when we got a bronze for my last syf, i cried, but i was happy in the end as i know the team spirit is there which hold the band together.
Actually i do feel bad ah, i jux wanna say sorry to the girls team if you all manage to c this. I guess i was over sensitive, but lets hope wif this, we have the team spirit. Like wat rasmi said, its near to competition and everyone is stress, so sorry for all the trouble ah... I do feel much better now but since this is the first time i really had a thru breakdwn, i need a few days to recover and not think so much ah. I need a clear mind to shoot!!! Its not a rite choice to go training tmlo althought i nd more training, shld have a rest and train on thurs n fri. I wanna shoot for team event, i do not wanna disappoint myself, my friends and my team! GO NP ARCHERS!!! GO NP2!!
What a long entry ah, seem that a blog is not bad since i prefer to type instead of writing ah. Recover, recover, recover!!! time to sleep ah, tmlo have to wrk and maybe mit gerri for dinner lata ah. moi boi is so stuck to the tv for world cup ah until he seem to me not so interested to tok to me, diaox! Even like when he neo i brk dwn, also like tat... haha, maybe i tink too much... nitey nite then!!!
Posted by rence rence at 12:47 AM